Back..

It's hard to know where to start. It's always hard to know where to start. I think I'll just start with today. Today is day three of attempting to get through a week without bingeing/purging. I think it's kind of strange that this is the first week I've tried to do this in such a long time, since it's such a stressful week for me. My older sister is coming into town tomorrow, it's my turn to host playgroup at my house which always stresses me out, and my mom is coming on Saturday for a few days. It's taken me a long, long time to even admit this, but having my mom around is a huge, huge disruption and stress to my 'recovery'. (I don't know why I always feel the need to put that in quotes) She used to be a disruption because she thought I was too fat. Now she thinks it's amazing that I'm 'still losing weight', and encourages it to a disgusting degree. To combat this, at least at Christmas, I eat as much as I can in front of her. Liz finally brought this up last week, explaining that it's kind of like an f-u to weight being so important to her. See, I don't care that you're happy that I'm losing weight, I'll eat everything in sight and confuse you! Well, I'm the only one who ends up losing in the end since I throw up most of the food I eat around her. It needs to stop. It's so strange, because I really do love my mom and have a great time with her. I really do! She is just screwed up when it comes to weight/food and at this point in my life i'm not strong enough to have that not effect me. Someday I guess...

I'm not sure what to write, but I have a feeling that if I just start eventually it will be very therapeutic for me to do this.

I'm sure I have plenty more to say, but for now I guess that's all...