giving in..

I haven't written in a long time...I haven't written anything in a while, which is weird for me. I usually send Liz a few emails a week, lately outlining what I've eaten, how I feel about it blahblahblah. She's on vacation this week, I'm going on vacation next week, so we won't see each other for a while. Ever since she left, I feel like I don't have to do anything at all. I don't write (even though she said please keep writing everyday), I don't think about what I'm eating or what I'm not, I'm just doing what I want to do. I'm just acting like a child, doing what I want while there's no one here to make me think about whether or not it's the right choice. I know this, but the stubborn part of me still wants to just do what I want to do.

I haven't been eating much of anything, that's just the bottom line. I don't know why, I just don't want to. The less I eat, the less I want to. I know it's a vicious cycle, and I know how to stop it. I am just choosing not to. I had this feeling a few weeks ago, of wanting to really be healthy. To eat good, healthy food consistently and moderately. I had visions of myself strong and lean, not thin, just strong and toned. I suppose that would actually require working out in some way...But lately that want, that vision of eating and being so healthy has faded into the background. I force myself to eat a few snacks a day, so that I have the energy to do what I need to do, so that I have the energy to be present for Miles and not check out, exhausted. I still play with him, go to our playgroups, go to the park, we have a great time.  But other than that, just don't feel like eating. 

I think starting school really threw me off. I wanted so badly for it to not throw me off. I thought I prepared. I have class Mon-Wed from 6-9pm. I got pre-packaged snack things from whole foods, which I love, to eat on the train on the way there. So far, I've managed to eat one or two one the way home, but never on the way there. Last Wednesday I was on the platform waiting for the el, and I dropped my whole thing and it spilled everywhere. Instead of saying, oh that sucks, I'll eat something else when I get home- I said, oh this must be a sign that I shouldn't eat anything, so I didn't. I am smarter than this. I know exactly what my body needs, and that I need to force myself to eat even when I might not feel like it. I'm not sure what's going on. I want to stop the cycle, but I also think, if I don't, I'll just keep going until I lose X lbs, then I'll stop.

It's getting increasingly harder for me to schedule my appointments with Liz. Between school, observation hours, and the rest of my life, it's just hard. I have to get a babysitter for Miles so that I can see her during the day, and that adds up. I told myself before I started school that I would commit to going, and not stop, because I know that if I don't make going to those appointments a priority, things will go downhill fast. I don't rely on her for much, it's just a way to be held accountable, to not give up and get worse and worse. Since she's been gone, and J and I talked about the money for sitters and all of that I'm thinking, I should just stop going for a while, maybe until this term of school is finished. I'm not sure what I think about that. It would be easier, but I also know what I'm saying to myself by choosing to do that. What's more important? I'm not sure anymore. I just don't feel like trying much these days.. 

Otherwise, my life is pretty great. Love my husband, my little boy, who I cannot believe is about to turn one year old. I literally feel like I just had him, it's insane how fast this year went. Just crazy. He's about to walk- I remember looking at him in his little incubator just praying that he would turn out okay, that he would gain the weight he needed to go home. Now he's so big, I want him to stay little! He's beautiful, and sweet, and smart. I truly don't know how I deserve such a perfect little boy, but I am thankful everyday. 

I need to get it together, to climb back on the wagon, get back on the horse, the bike, whatever you want to call it. This cannot continue. It's going to lead nowhere good.