I emailed Liz a couple of days ago with my realization of why I revert back to sounding like a child who needs to be taken care of. She could not have been happier or more supportive of this revelation. I went to see her last night, and we talked a little about how to experience all of the things in my life differently. The only way I've ever known how to experience some of the harder things that have happened in my life is to figure out a way that I could be blamed for it, and spend my energy and emotions on feeling guilty and punishing myself. It took me a very, very long time to realize that viewing the events in my life this way are a way for me to protect myself from experiencing the pain that they may have caused. It is also not, (Liz's words) 'harmonious with reality'. If I say, 'oh it was all my fualt I'm a terrible person', then I don't have to take the time to feel whatever it is those things might leave me feeling. I am scared to think what I might feel if I allowed myself to say, 'this is what happened, and it wasn't right, and it wasn't my fault, and this is what I feel about it.' So, I'm 27 years old and scared of feelings!
The confusing thing to me is that I just can't allow myself to follow through with viewing them a different way. I will think of something and say to myself, it wasn't your fault, just look at it as something that happened and blame the people who were at fault. But I just can't. I guess I'm too afraid of what I will feel, so I shut down, say it's ridicules, it's all my fault, I'm a terrible person, I'm not worth anything, I get a knot in my stomach, and most of the time that leads to wanting to feel nothing...bingeing...and purging everything until I feel 'better'. So, how is it possible that I can see this, but I can't just do what I need to do to fix it? I want to be done with the ed all together, but I can't seem to take the step that's needed. Which is to let go of all the crappy things that sit deep in my stomach. That is what I should be using my time with Liz for, because no one is going to be as accepting and helpful with whatever it is I'm scared of than she is. But, somehow I guess I'm just not ready to do that. Maybe in time... For now I'd just like to feel a little better about myself, and be a lot more healthy. So I guess that's the short term goal, and the long term would be to experience, and learn from all of the things that are the underlying causes. Because without fixing them, it doesn't matter how determined or how much I don't want to be bulimic, it's not going to stop if I don't heal the cause. I get that. But, it's just much easier said than done.
I think I will try to be honest, and try to be patient with myself....
That's a great goal! And you deserve it. You allway's give such good advice. Very clear and you help me to think clearer. So stop thinking it's all your fault! You do a lot of positive stuff. I know I can't see mine either, it might be a trait of ED, but you have done a lot of good things.
ReplyDeleteHi Blu!
ReplyDeleteInsight isn't the cure, which is why you find yourself understanding why you're doing things but not fixing them immediately. That said, it is a step in the right direction.
Like you told me, you are on a FANTASTIC road. You know have a greater understanding of yourself - excellent! And you are going to try to be honest and patient with yourself - another great strategy! So, using that understanding, and that strategy, and by continuing to talk openly with Liz and listen to her in return, you'll get there.
Try to look at yourself and observe and not judge. Meet yourself where you are. Right now you understand your actions more and you have a commitment to having a peaceful approach to life. You sometimes confuse yourself with your actions. That's where you are and that's okay. Keep going with that. Observe yourself - don't judge. Be curious about yourself - not harsh. You'll get there. Keep going. Oh, and I think it's okay to be confused as long as you're not also attaching judgment to that confusion.
You are great at catching me with all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. You are excellent at being able to think and see things on a continuum. Remember, your life is on a continuum too. You had an insight - you moved forward in the right direction on that continuum. There are a lot of steps in between "insight" and "life you're totally satisfied with" (if that ever happens - but I think you know what I mean).
Hope you're doing ok.
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