What we do for our babies

So, I've been on this high horse of quitting my 'disordered' behavior cold turkey. We're thinking about having another baby, about getting pregnant sometime around January or February. For most people, that wouldn't mean much of anything except, in about six months I might get pregnant...For me, it means a lot of things. One is that I cannot continue eating the way I do, and doing the things I do to my body. 

I had Miles at barely 32 weeks pregnant. They don't know why I went into labor so early, there were no signs or reasons, 'sometimes it just happens'. He spent a month in the NICU, which was the worst, most painful thing in my life. If you've never left your baby in the hospital when they sent you home, I hope you never have to. Anyway, the 'relapse' of sorts came quick and hard just a few weeks after he was born. Before that I had been fine for years. I took immaculate care of myself while I was pregnant, and yet still had him two months early. I am convinced that I cannot go through that again, so am doing everything I can to prevent another pre-mature birth. This means getting healthy now, as of course any doctor will tell you. So, about three weeks ago I declared that I was 'cured', and I would no longer purge anything. I would eat healthy, take vitamins, and do what I needed to do to be healthy in preparation for getting pregnant. When my therapist asked if it was hard, to stop the cycle I replied, 'no not at all. this is what I have to do, I have no choice, it's not about me'. And I meant it. 

Yesterday something snapped, or I guess I could say I just spiraled and couldn't do it. I haven't eaten all day, was starving, binged, and purged for the first time in almost a month. I could say all of the things I originally thought which included, but were not limited to: I am a terrible person, I am a failure, I don't care about my yet conceived baby, I don't deserve to have another baby, I'll never get better this is never going to end, and on and on. But. I am not going to say that.

I am going to say that today is a new day. Every day is a new day for all of us, and we all have the choice to start over, like yesterday never happened. My therapist said this to me yesterday, and if you don't know her I guess it would be easy to shrug off as 'give me a break', but I believe that mantra's like this work if you want them to: 'breathing in, I let it all go. Breathing out, I let it all be.' It's as simple as that. Yesterday is gone, I've let it just be. 

The ironic thing about my lapse yesterday is that I had just come from the store where I bought a cookbook of sorts for Miles. I've been feeding him jarred baby food because 1. I don't cook, and have no idea how to eat right and 2. It's just easier. I know this food isn't the best for him, so I've dedicated myself to figuring out exactly what he should be eating and yes, actually cooking fresh fruits and veggies for him. So, this morning I was reading the book and making lists of what to get for him and I realized that if I took half as good care of myself as I do him I'd be in GREAT shape! We do things for our babies, for our kids, for our parents and our friends and our husbands that we won't do for ourselves. When all they want from us is to be happy and healthy. 

So. Miles and I are in this together. I'm going to eat what he eats (of course a much larger amount). But since I can't seem to get it together, but I can for him, I'm going to eat what I prepare for him. So, lunch today will be fillet of salmon with sweet potato, and fruit. He will have a tiny chunk, I will have the rest. And we'll go from there, which is all we can do.