Hi Dad.

The ability to feel nothing is something that some people would wish for. Those people who cry at Hallmark commercials (wait, do they make them anymore?), okay cry at Extreme Home Makeover, I'm sure they wish some days that they could just shut it off, feel nothing. For those of us that have that ability, it's not so treasured. 

I haven't talked to my dad since my birthday last year, on January 20th. I was talking to him about my little brother, who was considering dropping out of high school, and whom he was encouraging to do so. He didn't know it was my birthday. I didn't tell him. I told him not to make the mistake for my brother, to be an adult, the usual things I find myself saying to him. We haven't spoke since. In that time, he has 'relapsed' on his heroine addiction, which I don't think you can really call a relapse when it's either a. 15 years after you 'kicked it' or b. that you never really kicked it, and instead have just went full force into it instead of trying to hide it. The latter is of course, as all of my sister's, my brother, and I know, what is true. He most recently 'tried detoxing' in my ex step-mom's basement (who he left two years ago for a 25 year old he now has 2 kids with)- where one of my sister's, we'll call her Bean, still lives. She told me this. She is 17. 

I haven't been a very good sister to her over the years. I left my hometown at 18 to go to college, and basically never looked back. But, I love her immensely, and would do anything she ever needed in a second. She wants to come out here to spend some time with me, my husband, and the baby. I wish I could pay for her to come, but I don't work, and we just don't have it. She won't ask her mom (my ex step mom) because she hasn't gotten paid in a while since she works for the state and there's something with the state budget that she hasn't gotten paid in a while. She won't ask my dad because she knows how unstable he is, and like all of us, has been instilled with a deep sense of guilt and responsibility when it comes to him. I have let go of this responsibility. The guilt, hm. But the responsibility, definitely.

So tonight, I called my dad who is currently avoiding treatment for his addiction out of the blue, and told him he needs to do whatever he needs to do to pay for her to come here. He said of course he would, she didn't ask. I said great, then do it. Let me know the dates. I don't care when, but make it soon. 

He asked how my son, his grandson, who he has seen once, and asked about twice was doing. I told him great. He's getting big. He said he sees pictures on facebook. He asked about my husband, who he used to be pretty close to. I told him he was great, traveling right now for work. He asked how I liked staying home, I told him it was great, no I don't get bored I have lots of things to do. I told him I'm going back for my master's, and then PhD to eventually open my own school for kids in the foster care system. He said great. I told him one more time to get the tickets, and I'd talk to him later. Then I hung up. 

I don't feel anything, but know that somewhere inside it's all there. I don't know where though, and the truth is I am scared to find it. So here I sit, wondering how I'm going to stop it all from coming up. It's in my throat, the tight ball of everything I don't want to think about. 

So that's what it's like, for those of us who have the ability to shut down, to feel nothing. We sit around from time to time with painful lumps in our throats that we can't make go away. Eventually we swallow them, and move on. But then they just sit deep in our stomach.