Worst Wife Ever

I hate to be mellow dramatic, but seriously, I think I might be the worst wife ever. Or in my mom's words 'I feel like I failed miserably as a mother, you're a terrible house wife'.. Maybe it's because I never planned on, or was interested in being a 'house wife'. I don't know how this happened. 

I was going to be independent forever. I didn't need a man, didn't want a man, could have cared less about ever being married or having kids. While other little girls sat around and dreamed about their weddings and their kids names, I dreamed about the cities I would live in, and what kind of job I would have. Then I met my husband.

My husband, 'J', is the greatest man I will ever know. He is kind, loving, hilarious, hard working, honest, and any other wonderful adjective you could possibly think of. He is patient with me, he loves me for who I am (and who I am not). From the moment I met him he has been my best friend, and I am overwhelmed with my love for him and our beautiful life together. 

Apparently, not overwhelmed enough to iron his shirts for work.

Back to the 'I never wanted to stay home'. When I found out I was pregnant so many things went through my mind (more on that later). But one of the first things we talked about was how we were going to pay for daycare, where we were going to send the baby, all of that. We live in downtown Chicago, and at the time I was working as a foster care case manager for DCFS, making not a lot of money at all. Unfortunately, when we looked into daycare or a nanny, we very quickly realized (I was only three months pregnant) that I would be paying the same amount that I made every week to send him (or her since at the time he was still looking like a jellybean) to daycare.  It was decided that I would stay home. 

I was fine with this decision, until I realized that I'm not very good at this whole thing. To put it simply, I was not nurtured as a child, and do not have it in me to nurture others. This of course, does not include my son, who I adore beyond words and nurture to the point of near smothering...but towards my husband, I've just never been very 'I'll take care of you honey'. I had a very messed up view of father's, husband's, just men's roles in general as a kid, and have a hard time adjusting to such a 'normal' family life. I love him, but I can't seem to find the want to cook dinner for him (I don't cook, he does), do the laundry, clean the house, iron his shirts, just the basics that someone who stays home all day while their husband works should be doing. It's not that I'm lazy, not at all. It's not that I don't know how, there is just some block within me that makes me say 'why should I have to do this?' Well...you should have to do this because you don't get up, get dressed, and go work all day...you can spend hours at the park if you choose, or go to the beach with your son- this is why you should maybe at least think about what you want your husband to cook you for dinner when he comes home. 

J just left for a business trip for the next three days...I helped him get nothing ready, and let him get up with the baby this morning so I could sleep in an extra hour. In summary, I am a terrible wife. But, I love my husband, and will try to do better.