Grow Up

I just read over my last post, and it is so fitting to what I need to say. I wrote on Laura's blog last night, and I think it might have changed a lot of things for both of us. I was so compelled to tell her what she needed to hear that I did just that, said what I thought and left it. What I didn't realize as I was writing my 'advice', was that it was literally, exactly what I needed and should have, and never could tell myself. 

I've been trying to figure out for a while what the whole ED thing is about. For me, I can 'blame' it on body image, wanting to lose weight, wanting to be thinner, but I think deep deep down I've always known it wasn't about that. I think for some people, that is a huge component, and for others not so much. I think I do what I do for a lot of reasons. But I think I have figured out just one of them. It's not the only reason, it's not a 'cure', but it's more than I've ever been willing to admit. When I get into my downward spirals with ED, I want to be taken care of. I become a child. I become irrational. I am obsessed with what I can't do, what I can't fight, how I can't stand up for myself, what I need from other people to help me. It's my way of saying, 'I need to be taken care of'. 

I lived a very different childhood from most people. I could go into the details, but I don't think they're very important. The important thing is that I never really was a child. I never really was taken care of. And I've only recently, since I've had my own child and I sit around and think, and talk to my husband about the things I want for him, realize that I wasn't treated like a child should be treated. In little ways, like no one ever cleaning my room, making my bed, or doing my laundry for me (from the time I was like 5 or 6). No one ever made my lunches, I made my own, got myself ready for school, walked myself to the bus...all of those types of things. But also in bigger ways, no one ever took the time to tell me it wasn't my fault when my sister died, so I assumed it was. No one ever told me it wasn't my fault my dad was a drug addict and constantly in and out of jail, so I assumed it was. The list goes on and on...but the point is, no one took care of me then. So, every once and a while I look for someone to take care of me now. It's funny, because I don't look to Jason to take care of me, in fact I don't want him to. I am very adamant that he is my husband, and I do not want him to ever feel like he has to 'take care' of me. So I found Liz, and she is more caring and more kind to me than anyone in my life has been, when I explain some of the things that have happened. I wasn't really sure why I started seeing her, and then wasn't really sure why I continued. Then the ED came back, and I had a 'purpose' to see her. I think I had a purpose all along, and after a year and a half I've just realized a little of what it is.

I think, like Laura, I am a little different than some, well I think we're all different and have the Ed's for a billion different reasons. But Liz has always been sure that it is not the true problem, but a symptom of much more. And that it is not only a symptom, but serves a very important purpose in my life. I never really knew what the purpose was, so I would say, "I have to lose weight" or "I hate that I'm so fat". But I know I can stop whenever I want, if I want. If I really want. I know there are people who can't stop, who are being served in different ways and feel very powerless. I felt very powerless for a very, very long time. I don't feel that way anymore.

It's hard to say, "i have control over whether or not I do this". Because it's scary to take control over your life when you've let it be controlled for so long. But scary can be soo fun. And god knows, 'admitting' this doesn't mean that I don't have some very real needs that require thoughtful attention to process. That's why I see Liz, now I understand. She is there to listen to and pay attention to all of the things I feel like no one ever did. And with time, I will be able to say to other people in my life, 'I need some time, I'd like to experience this and not push it away or shut it out'. 

I am so far from being 'fixed'. But, I am intrigued by my new honesty, and SO looking forward to growing up. Eventually ;) 

So thank you Laura, for acting like a big baby and making me say, god she sounds like a baby- oh my god I sound like a baby all the time!! I'm scared to death to grow up too!! Together I think we'll end up the mature, capable, strong women we were meant to be. Slowly, and always gently of course.