giving in..

I haven't written in a long time...I haven't written anything in a while, which is weird for me. I usually send Liz a few emails a week, lately outlining what I've eaten, how I feel about it blahblahblah. She's on vacation this week, I'm going on vacation next week, so we won't see each other for a while. Ever since she left, I feel like I don't have to do anything at all. I don't write (even though she said please keep writing everyday), I don't think about what I'm eating or what I'm not, I'm just doing what I want to do. I'm just acting like a child, doing what I want while there's no one here to make me think about whether or not it's the right choice. I know this, but the stubborn part of me still wants to just do what I want to do.

I haven't been eating much of anything, that's just the bottom line. I don't know why, I just don't want to. The less I eat, the less I want to. I know it's a vicious cycle, and I know how to stop it. I am just choosing not to. I had this feeling a few weeks ago, of wanting to really be healthy. To eat good, healthy food consistently and moderately. I had visions of myself strong and lean, not thin, just strong and toned. I suppose that would actually require working out in some way...But lately that want, that vision of eating and being so healthy has faded into the background. I force myself to eat a few snacks a day, so that I have the energy to do what I need to do, so that I have the energy to be present for Miles and not check out, exhausted. I still play with him, go to our playgroups, go to the park, we have a great time.  But other than that, just don't feel like eating. 

I think starting school really threw me off. I wanted so badly for it to not throw me off. I thought I prepared. I have class Mon-Wed from 6-9pm. I got pre-packaged snack things from whole foods, which I love, to eat on the train on the way there. So far, I've managed to eat one or two one the way home, but never on the way there. Last Wednesday I was on the platform waiting for the el, and I dropped my whole thing and it spilled everywhere. Instead of saying, oh that sucks, I'll eat something else when I get home- I said, oh this must be a sign that I shouldn't eat anything, so I didn't. I am smarter than this. I know exactly what my body needs, and that I need to force myself to eat even when I might not feel like it. I'm not sure what's going on. I want to stop the cycle, but I also think, if I don't, I'll just keep going until I lose X lbs, then I'll stop.

It's getting increasingly harder for me to schedule my appointments with Liz. Between school, observation hours, and the rest of my life, it's just hard. I have to get a babysitter for Miles so that I can see her during the day, and that adds up. I told myself before I started school that I would commit to going, and not stop, because I know that if I don't make going to those appointments a priority, things will go downhill fast. I don't rely on her for much, it's just a way to be held accountable, to not give up and get worse and worse. Since she's been gone, and J and I talked about the money for sitters and all of that I'm thinking, I should just stop going for a while, maybe until this term of school is finished. I'm not sure what I think about that. It would be easier, but I also know what I'm saying to myself by choosing to do that. What's more important? I'm not sure anymore. I just don't feel like trying much these days.. 

Otherwise, my life is pretty great. Love my husband, my little boy, who I cannot believe is about to turn one year old. I literally feel like I just had him, it's insane how fast this year went. Just crazy. He's about to walk- I remember looking at him in his little incubator just praying that he would turn out okay, that he would gain the weight he needed to go home. Now he's so big, I want him to stay little! He's beautiful, and sweet, and smart. I truly don't know how I deserve such a perfect little boy, but I am thankful everyday. 

I need to get it together, to climb back on the wagon, get back on the horse, the bike, whatever you want to call it. This cannot continue. It's going to lead nowhere good.

Hmmmm...

I think I'm in the same boat as some people right now, a little confused...

I emailed Liz a couple of days ago with my realization of why I revert back to sounding like a child who needs to be taken care of. She could not have been happier or more supportive of this revelation. I went to see her last night, and we talked a little about how to experience all of the things in my life differently. The only way I've ever known how to experience some of the harder things that have happened in my life is to figure out a way that I could be blamed for it, and spend my energy and emotions on feeling guilty and punishing myself. It took me a very, very long time to realize that viewing the events in my life this way are a way for me to protect myself from experiencing the pain that they may have caused. It is also not, (Liz's words) 'harmonious with reality'. If I say, 'oh it was all my fualt I'm a terrible person', then I don't have to take the time to feel whatever it is those things might leave me feeling. I am scared to think what I might feel if I allowed myself to say, 'this is what happened, and it wasn't right, and it wasn't my fault, and this is what I feel about it.' So, I'm 27 years old and scared of feelings! 

The confusing thing to me is that I just can't allow myself to follow through with viewing them a different way. I will think of something and say to myself, it wasn't your fault, just look at it as something that happened and blame the people who were at fault. But I just can't. I guess I'm too afraid of what I will feel, so I shut down, say it's ridicules, it's all my fault, I'm a terrible person, I'm not worth anything, I get a knot in my stomach, and most of the time that leads to wanting to feel nothing...bingeing...and purging everything until I feel 'better'. So, how is it possible that I can see this, but I can't just do what I need to do to fix it? I want to be done with the ed all together, but I can't seem to take the step that's needed. Which is to let go of all the crappy things that sit deep in my stomach. That is what I should be using my time with Liz for, because no one is going to be as accepting and helpful with whatever it is I'm scared of than she is. But, somehow I guess I'm just not ready to do that. Maybe in time... For now I'd just like to feel a little better about myself, and be a lot more healthy. So I guess that's the short term goal, and the long term would be to experience, and learn from all of the things that are the underlying causes. Because without fixing them, it doesn't matter how determined or how much I don't want to be bulimic, it's not going to stop if I don't heal the cause. I get that. But, it's just much easier said than done. 

I think I will try to be honest, and try to be patient with myself....

Grow Up

I just read over my last post, and it is so fitting to what I need to say. I wrote on Laura's blog last night, and I think it might have changed a lot of things for both of us. I was so compelled to tell her what she needed to hear that I did just that, said what I thought and left it. What I didn't realize as I was writing my 'advice', was that it was literally, exactly what I needed and should have, and never could tell myself. 

I've been trying to figure out for a while what the whole ED thing is about. For me, I can 'blame' it on body image, wanting to lose weight, wanting to be thinner, but I think deep deep down I've always known it wasn't about that. I think for some people, that is a huge component, and for others not so much. I think I do what I do for a lot of reasons. But I think I have figured out just one of them. It's not the only reason, it's not a 'cure', but it's more than I've ever been willing to admit. When I get into my downward spirals with ED, I want to be taken care of. I become a child. I become irrational. I am obsessed with what I can't do, what I can't fight, how I can't stand up for myself, what I need from other people to help me. It's my way of saying, 'I need to be taken care of'. 

I lived a very different childhood from most people. I could go into the details, but I don't think they're very important. The important thing is that I never really was a child. I never really was taken care of. And I've only recently, since I've had my own child and I sit around and think, and talk to my husband about the things I want for him, realize that I wasn't treated like a child should be treated. In little ways, like no one ever cleaning my room, making my bed, or doing my laundry for me (from the time I was like 5 or 6). No one ever made my lunches, I made my own, got myself ready for school, walked myself to the bus...all of those types of things. But also in bigger ways, no one ever took the time to tell me it wasn't my fault when my sister died, so I assumed it was. No one ever told me it wasn't my fault my dad was a drug addict and constantly in and out of jail, so I assumed it was. The list goes on and on...but the point is, no one took care of me then. So, every once and a while I look for someone to take care of me now. It's funny, because I don't look to Jason to take care of me, in fact I don't want him to. I am very adamant that he is my husband, and I do not want him to ever feel like he has to 'take care' of me. So I found Liz, and she is more caring and more kind to me than anyone in my life has been, when I explain some of the things that have happened. I wasn't really sure why I started seeing her, and then wasn't really sure why I continued. Then the ED came back, and I had a 'purpose' to see her. I think I had a purpose all along, and after a year and a half I've just realized a little of what it is.

I think, like Laura, I am a little different than some, well I think we're all different and have the Ed's for a billion different reasons. But Liz has always been sure that it is not the true problem, but a symptom of much more. And that it is not only a symptom, but serves a very important purpose in my life. I never really knew what the purpose was, so I would say, "I have to lose weight" or "I hate that I'm so fat". But I know I can stop whenever I want, if I want. If I really want. I know there are people who can't stop, who are being served in different ways and feel very powerless. I felt very powerless for a very, very long time. I don't feel that way anymore.

It's hard to say, "i have control over whether or not I do this". Because it's scary to take control over your life when you've let it be controlled for so long. But scary can be soo fun. And god knows, 'admitting' this doesn't mean that I don't have some very real needs that require thoughtful attention to process. That's why I see Liz, now I understand. She is there to listen to and pay attention to all of the things I feel like no one ever did. And with time, I will be able to say to other people in my life, 'I need some time, I'd like to experience this and not push it away or shut it out'. 

I am so far from being 'fixed'. But, I am intrigued by my new honesty, and SO looking forward to growing up. Eventually ;) 

So thank you Laura, for acting like a big baby and making me say, god she sounds like a baby- oh my god I sound like a baby all the time!! I'm scared to death to grow up too!! Together I think we'll end up the mature, capable, strong women we were meant to be. Slowly, and always gently of course.

furious.

I really don't get mad often. I actually don't think I ever get mad, not for real at least. I got mad the other day at verizon for messing up my new phone...But at actual things that happen, nah. 

I am furious.

I am sick of having no control over my own schedule, or my own life. I am completely dependent on other people to make decisions about my days and weeks, and I'm sick of it. Everyone else has something more important to do than what I have to do, so my wants and needs come last, whenever they can be fit in. I've had it.

My sister was supposed to come in today from PA at 12:30. So, I scheduled my day, and also my week around this. This morning I got a message from my dad, they messed up and didn't realize that the flight was 8:30 PM not AM- so she will be getting here at 12:30 AM tonight. THAT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I HAVE A 10 MONTH OLD BABY WHO WAKES UP AT 6AM! WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?

No only that, but it screws up my T appointment for this week, that I have scheduled and rescheduled over and over again based on everyone else's schedule for watching Miles. So I probably won't go at all this week, and I feel like not going next week or ever again because I'm so pissed and don't care at all.

Oh. There's Miles, up and screaming from his nap. What an awesome day. 

Letting Go...

I held on with a death grip to the idea that I didn't have an eating disorder, that I didn't really need to do anything about it, that I wasn't really sick...It hasn't been very long that I let go of that denial, but I am reminding myself of why it is such a good thing that I did...and that I need to keep moving forward, not back..

About six months ago, I sat in Liz's office and I said these words- 'No, I don't think I have an eating disorder. People with eating disorder's don't actually need to lose weight (and at the time I really did...had gained about 70 lbs with my pregnancy..) Those people are sick, I'm not sick at all. I just choose to throw up as a form of weight loss.' 

And I was serious! I really believed that. I think back now and think, my God she must have thought there would never be any hope for me. How is it possible that someone who, at the time, ate one huge 'meal' (read:binge) a day, and purged that could honestly sit there with a straight face and say, 'I don't have an eating disorder'. I cannot stress enough how serious I was, how fully I believed that I didn't. Since then I have worked so hard I cannot explain. Here is the very short version of how I got my head out of my ass and began the slooow process of truly healing:

-I didn't want to say, 'I have an eating disorder' because I wanted to be different, I wanted to be better than 'those people' who are obsessed with food. News flash- I AM obsessed with food! But that doesn't have to mean it has to be disordered, it can also be channeled into being incredibly healthy..

-I didn't want to say, 'I have an eating disorder' and I'm going to try to get over it because I am DEATHLY terrified of failure. I didn't believe that I could stop for real, for ever, so what's the point? I can either keep going the way I'm going and say, 'well this is just what I do, this is just how I eat, throwing up is just part of my life, I don't mind and I"m not that sick', or I could say 'Ok I want to get better, I want to eat healthy and not purge- but what happened when I didn't eat healthy one day, or I purged when I said I wouldn't? I'll tell you what happened- it happened on Monday, and I'm still alive, Liz is still there for me and working with me, she didn't throw her hands up and say 'oh well forget it clearly you don't want to stop'- I got over the frustration, and learned more about that particular binge than I ever have in my life. I didn't fail. I got up, quit the whining and crying, and started again the next day, a little stronger than I was the day before, because I was honest about what happened.

-I didn't want to admit it because I thought I was too old to have an eating disorder. Funny, but true...I felt pathetic for having a husband and a child and STILL being 'like this'. Somewhere along the line I got over that...because it makes absolutely no sense. Liz said to me once, when I was still working as a case manager, 'Think of one of your kids, one that just has a special place in your heart and just gets to you. If that child came to you in ten years and said, you know, that was some pretty messed up stuff that happened to me when I was a kid, I didn't realize it then but now that I'm married and have my own kids I'd like to heal from it, the right way- would you turn them away and say, 'too bad, you missed your chance!' Absolutely not, of course. So why is it not okay for you to heal now?

-I didn't want to admit it because I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn't about food. I HATE talking about food. I hate it. I wanted to scream, 'who CARES what I ate today?!' I know now that I wanted to scream that because what I really wanted to scream was 'who CARES what I ate today- I'M in PAIN! I ate to forget about that! that's all, I don't want to talk about stupid food, I just want to use it to numb myself, not eat when I want to deprive myself and eat too much when I want to punish myself and I don't want to talk about the details.' No one wants their life to revolve around eating or not eating. It doesn't have to, I know that now. 

This got too long...I don't really have a concrete point...just thinking back to why it's important for me to go today and continue the 'work' on actually experiencing how I feel. Today's chapter continues with: 'How Blu Did NOT Cause her Father's Relapse into Heroine Addiction- take two'. 

What we do for our babies

So, I've been on this high horse of quitting my 'disordered' behavior cold turkey. We're thinking about having another baby, about getting pregnant sometime around January or February. For most people, that wouldn't mean much of anything except, in about six months I might get pregnant...For me, it means a lot of things. One is that I cannot continue eating the way I do, and doing the things I do to my body. 

I had Miles at barely 32 weeks pregnant. They don't know why I went into labor so early, there were no signs or reasons, 'sometimes it just happens'. He spent a month in the NICU, which was the worst, most painful thing in my life. If you've never left your baby in the hospital when they sent you home, I hope you never have to. Anyway, the 'relapse' of sorts came quick and hard just a few weeks after he was born. Before that I had been fine for years. I took immaculate care of myself while I was pregnant, and yet still had him two months early. I am convinced that I cannot go through that again, so am doing everything I can to prevent another pre-mature birth. This means getting healthy now, as of course any doctor will tell you. So, about three weeks ago I declared that I was 'cured', and I would no longer purge anything. I would eat healthy, take vitamins, and do what I needed to do to be healthy in preparation for getting pregnant. When my therapist asked if it was hard, to stop the cycle I replied, 'no not at all. this is what I have to do, I have no choice, it's not about me'. And I meant it. 

Yesterday something snapped, or I guess I could say I just spiraled and couldn't do it. I haven't eaten all day, was starving, binged, and purged for the first time in almost a month. I could say all of the things I originally thought which included, but were not limited to: I am a terrible person, I am a failure, I don't care about my yet conceived baby, I don't deserve to have another baby, I'll never get better this is never going to end, and on and on. But. I am not going to say that.

I am going to say that today is a new day. Every day is a new day for all of us, and we all have the choice to start over, like yesterday never happened. My therapist said this to me yesterday, and if you don't know her I guess it would be easy to shrug off as 'give me a break', but I believe that mantra's like this work if you want them to: 'breathing in, I let it all go. Breathing out, I let it all be.' It's as simple as that. Yesterday is gone, I've let it just be. 

The ironic thing about my lapse yesterday is that I had just come from the store where I bought a cookbook of sorts for Miles. I've been feeding him jarred baby food because 1. I don't cook, and have no idea how to eat right and 2. It's just easier. I know this food isn't the best for him, so I've dedicated myself to figuring out exactly what he should be eating and yes, actually cooking fresh fruits and veggies for him. So, this morning I was reading the book and making lists of what to get for him and I realized that if I took half as good care of myself as I do him I'd be in GREAT shape! We do things for our babies, for our kids, for our parents and our friends and our husbands that we won't do for ourselves. When all they want from us is to be happy and healthy. 

So. Miles and I are in this together. I'm going to eat what he eats (of course a much larger amount). But since I can't seem to get it together, but I can for him, I'm going to eat what I prepare for him. So, lunch today will be fillet of salmon with sweet potato, and fruit. He will have a tiny chunk, I will have the rest. And we'll go from there, which is all we can do.

Hi Dad.

The ability to feel nothing is something that some people would wish for. Those people who cry at Hallmark commercials (wait, do they make them anymore?), okay cry at Extreme Home Makeover, I'm sure they wish some days that they could just shut it off, feel nothing. For those of us that have that ability, it's not so treasured. 

I haven't talked to my dad since my birthday last year, on January 20th. I was talking to him about my little brother, who was considering dropping out of high school, and whom he was encouraging to do so. He didn't know it was my birthday. I didn't tell him. I told him not to make the mistake for my brother, to be an adult, the usual things I find myself saying to him. We haven't spoke since. In that time, he has 'relapsed' on his heroine addiction, which I don't think you can really call a relapse when it's either a. 15 years after you 'kicked it' or b. that you never really kicked it, and instead have just went full force into it instead of trying to hide it. The latter is of course, as all of my sister's, my brother, and I know, what is true. He most recently 'tried detoxing' in my ex step-mom's basement (who he left two years ago for a 25 year old he now has 2 kids with)- where one of my sister's, we'll call her Bean, still lives. She told me this. She is 17. 

I haven't been a very good sister to her over the years. I left my hometown at 18 to go to college, and basically never looked back. But, I love her immensely, and would do anything she ever needed in a second. She wants to come out here to spend some time with me, my husband, and the baby. I wish I could pay for her to come, but I don't work, and we just don't have it. She won't ask her mom (my ex step mom) because she hasn't gotten paid in a while since she works for the state and there's something with the state budget that she hasn't gotten paid in a while. She won't ask my dad because she knows how unstable he is, and like all of us, has been instilled with a deep sense of guilt and responsibility when it comes to him. I have let go of this responsibility. The guilt, hm. But the responsibility, definitely.

So tonight, I called my dad who is currently avoiding treatment for his addiction out of the blue, and told him he needs to do whatever he needs to do to pay for her to come here. He said of course he would, she didn't ask. I said great, then do it. Let me know the dates. I don't care when, but make it soon. 

He asked how my son, his grandson, who he has seen once, and asked about twice was doing. I told him great. He's getting big. He said he sees pictures on facebook. He asked about my husband, who he used to be pretty close to. I told him he was great, traveling right now for work. He asked how I liked staying home, I told him it was great, no I don't get bored I have lots of things to do. I told him I'm going back for my master's, and then PhD to eventually open my own school for kids in the foster care system. He said great. I told him one more time to get the tickets, and I'd talk to him later. Then I hung up. 

I don't feel anything, but know that somewhere inside it's all there. I don't know where though, and the truth is I am scared to find it. So here I sit, wondering how I'm going to stop it all from coming up. It's in my throat, the tight ball of everything I don't want to think about. 

So that's what it's like, for those of us who have the ability to shut down, to feel nothing. We sit around from time to time with painful lumps in our throats that we can't make go away. Eventually we swallow them, and move on. But then they just sit deep in our stomach.